Operation Tangerine Syndicate
Chinese Ministry of State Security transcript of super-secret Trump Cabinet meeting
DATE: MAY 9, 2025
AUDIO TRANSCRIPT
CLASSIFIED: 国家安全部, Chinese Ministry of State Security
OPERATION: Tangerine Syndicate
LOCATION: Secured Mar-a-Lago basement, aka "Freedom Bunker" (N.B. separate from the freedom bunker secretly installed on all Trump golf courses to miraculously lift his balls out of the sand traps and roll towards the pin; nor to be confused with the lifts installed for Stormy to lift Donnie Two Dolls’ balls with a Forbes magazine and pin them to a wall.)
RECORDING DEVICE: Ambient surveillance via disguised fried and breaded drumstick (Model BS-007)
ATTENDEES:
Donald J. Trump, aka Donnie Two Dolls (Con-Mander-In-Chief)
Stephen Miller, aka The Ghoul (Immigration Overlord) (unofficially the guy who carries a list of banned Muppets and M&M characters everywhere he goes)
Rudy Giuliani, aka The Leak (Original Ghoul), possibly undead
Peter Navarro, aka Tariff Tony (Trade Strategist)
Kristi Noem: aka ICE Barbie, (Cricket’s “Mom”)
Marjorie Taylor Greene, MTG aka The Georgia Howler (Jewish Laser Defence)
Jared Kushner, aka The Beige Tapeworm (How Do You Say “Bagman” in Arabic?)
Mike Lindell, aka Pillow Mouth (Cybersecurity & Linen Affairs)
J.D. Vance, aka The Couch Monster (Appalachian Optics and Blue-Collar Propaganda)
Howard Lutnick, aka Lucky, The Ugliest American (Secretary of the Treasury is All Mine)
Kelly Ann Conway, aka Spin Cycle Connie (Maytag Media Mogul)
Mike Johnson, aka The Pope, Milk on Toast (American Pope and Trump’s Congressional Echo)
Marco Rubio, aka Super-Sized Marco (Latino Outreach and Phony Affairs)
Kash Patel, – aka Kashy Two Eyes (Director, FBI: Froth, BIather and (Dis)Information)
Walt Nauta, aka Naughty Nauta (Trump’s personal golf caddy and Soda Czar)
Eric Trump, aka The Tall, Dumb One (Possibly Unpaid Intern)
SCENE:
Low lighting. A heavy steel door swings shut. Cigarette smoke curls around a bare bulb. The faint sound of “Godfather Waltz” plays from someone’s ringtone. The table is covered in stacks of papers, meatball subs, and a limp American flag at half-mast. Around a long table, sits the inner political circle of Donny Two Dolls. All cell phones are in a Faraday cage made from gold-plated chicken wire.
At the head of the table sits DONNY “TWO DOLLS” TRUMP, hair like a cotton candy volcano, swaddled in an oversized red tie like a bib, and flanked by two gold-plated Ivanka dolls. One holds a tiny Trump Bible. The other, a subpoena. His hands rest gently on two porcelain Ivanka dolls, one smiling, one silently judging.
[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT – 9:04 EST]
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Okay, folks, thank you for flying down for this emergency vibe calibration. Jared, close the blinds. Mar-a-Lago has too many pigeons with facial recognition.
The Beige Tapeworm (Kushner): They're doves, sir.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): They're spies, Jared. Canadian doves. Carney-trained. I see their eyes, very woke.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Gentlemen, thank you for descending into what I call the bunker of real leadership. Jared, kill the fans. It’s too breezy. Reminds me of windmills. Very noisy. Very cancerous. Everybody knows.
The Beige Tapeworm (Kushner): There’s no windmill in here, sir. It’s just the dehumidifier.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Even worse. That’s Biden tech. Drips. Constant dripping. Drip. Drip. Drip. Bad for water pressure, bad for morale.
Pillow Mouth (Lindell): Sir, I ran a wind simulation on a MyPillow 2000 fan, proved they’re redirecting airflow away from American lungs.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Exactly. You feel it. Less air. Less pressure. The faucets? Weak. Water pressure? Low. In my day, a shower could knock your industrial-strength clown paint off. Now it’s a polite mist. Like Trudeau spit on me in Geneva. Or Melania’s hot breath when she sees him.
The Georgia Howler (MTG): Sir, do you want me to file a bill about hostile Canadian humidity?
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): No. File a threat. Now, next topic: Ukraine. Jared?
The Beige Tapeworm (Kushner): Ukraine is still requesting military aid. Zelensky wants more money. Claims it’s for "defense." But we think he’s buying sweaters and NPR tote bags. Congress is stalling. Poland wants us to mediate. Hungary sent a fruit basket.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): No aid. But send them the basket. Melania’s been looking for Eastern European pears.
Pillow Mouth (Lindell): Sir, if I may ... I ran simulations on my proprietary election-defense software--
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): That’s for cyber, Mike. Not international war.
Pillow Mouth (Lindell): Yes, but it proves Zelensky used absentee ballots to hack NATO.
The Couch Monster (Vance): Folks in Ohio are asking why we’re sending billions overseas when the potholes there look like Russian craters.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Tell them we’re spreading democracy. Like my tee shots.
The Caddy Whisperer (Nauta): To be fair, sir, your last tee shot was very democratic. Took out a goose and three liberals on hole nine.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Strong shot. Big shot. The goose died free.
(gravelly, sotto voce, to the room)
Gentlemen. And ladies. Marjorie. We got a situation.
(He pauses. Everyone leans in. Tariff Tony fidgets with a gold calculator shaped like a Tommy gun.)
(cont’d) The economy's got more holes in it than Rudy’s court cases. Inflation’s up, jobs are weird, and gas prices? Fuggedaboutit.
Rudy "The Leak" (Giuliani): (hair dye dripping, possibly still undead) Boss, I say we blame Canada. Again. People eat that up like stromboli. NAFTA? More like NAFTA-GETABOUTIT.
The Ugliest American (Lutnick): Jeez, Rudy, get with it. It’s not even called NAFTA anymore. IT’s USMCA. No, Donny, listen, if we freeze interest rates, we can choke out the housing market like we did to Toys 'R' Us. It’s clean, efficient, no blood. Or we could just default on the debt ceiling again. Throw the whole system into a panic, then sweep in and buy up crypto like we’re playing Monopoly with foreign reserves.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): (raising a finger): That’s cute, Lucky. Real cute. But this ain’t pretend money. This isn’t even America’s money. It’s my money. You know the new American national motto. If Trump can see it, it’s his.
The Ghoul (Miller): If I may, Sir. The working class doesn’t understand the economy. What they do understand is yelling. I propose weekly televised "Budget Executions." We put a bar graph in a guillotine. Ratings gold.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): No executions. Yet. But I like the drama. Keeps ‘em scared. Keep ‘em scared, they don’t ask about taxes.
Spin Cycle Connie (Conway): We just need a new slogan. Something blue-collar. Like “Trickle-Down or Be Put Down.” Very relatable.
Super-Sized Marco (Rubio): Boss, look. I got a guy in Venezuela who can rig the oil market like it’s a midterm election. But we’ll need a cover story. Something patriotic. Maybe an airstrike?
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): No airstrikes unless it’s a ratings week. You guys got ten minutes to make me a war that pays for itself.
(He stands, wiping his hands on a napkin shaped like the Constitution. The Ivanka dolls remain untouched)
Alright. Here’s what we’re gonna do. Tariff Tony, you juice the numbers. Rudy, you distract the press by pulling up your pants to your armpits or whatever. Lucky, start printing new bills, put my face on 'em. Bigger than any other of the Presidents’.
(He leans in, whispering)
And if the Fed tries to raise rates again... they sleep with the spreadsheets. The economy’s like a bad marriage. You stop talking, someone sleeps on the couch, and before you know it – boom -- Bidenomics.”
The Couch Monster (Vance): Sir, that couch story about me is categorically untrue.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Not now, JD. Save your romance stories for your Signal chats. The adults are talking now.
Ice Barbie (Noem): Sir, technically, inflation has--
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Inflation is just ambition with branding. Next question.
The Couch Monster (Vance): Workers want better wages--
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Tell ‘em they’re lucky to have sweat in their sweatshops. On my New York construction projects, sweat was a luxury.
Spin Cycle Connie (Conway): Let’s call the recession something sexy. Like ‘Freedom Undergrowth’ or ‘Fiscal Keto.’
The Ghoul (Miller): I have a 27-point plan involving tax havens, red states, and an animatronic Milton Friedman.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Perfect. And Powell? He makes one more move, we slap a loyalty pledge on his mortgage.
The Tall, Dumb One (Eric): Can my trillion-dollar meme coin idea be scratch-and-sniff?
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Only if it smells like winning. [sotto voce: Who is this guy? Who let him in?] Janet Yellen used to give me this look like, “Sir, that’s not how economics works.” Now we got Lucky here, and Lucky don’t look at me at all. That’s respect. That’s power. That’s family.
The Ugliest American (Lutnick): Yes, Mr. President. The dollar’s strong, but consumer confidence is lower than Eric’s LSAT scores.
The Tall, Dumb One (Eric): You guys are so gonna be sorry when my coin idea gets minted.
[Unintelligible snickering, paper shuffling.]
The Ghoul (Miller): The Fed is considering another rate hike. I say we treat Jerome Powell like a rogue capo. You can’t run a syndicate with a guy adjusting the interest rates like he’s trying to win back an ex-wife.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Exactly. It’s about optics. It’s about control. It’s about never admitting a mistake even when your golf course is technically underwater.
The Couch Monster (Vance): We’ve got strikes brewing in half a dozen states. These workers think they deserve “a livable wage.” What’s next, weekends?
Spin Cycle Connie (Conway): I say we gaslight the GDP. Inflate expectations, deflate the data. Call it “Perception-Based Prosperity.” It worked in 2016 and it’ll work until we die or are indicted. Whichever comes second.
The Ugliest American (Lutnick): I’ve been juicing the markets with daily press releases. “Dow Jones achieves spiritual enlightenment,” that sort of thing. CNBC barely notices anymore.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): We need one big move. A win. A statement. Something Americans don’t understand but can clap at.
ICE Barbie (Noem): How about we repossess the national parks and lease them to CryptoCon for a new blockchain theme park? Call it “BitYosemite.”
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): I like it. “Where nature meets tax-free speculation.” Eric, put that on a hat.
[Long silence. Sound of a pen clicking repeatedly. Possibly chewing.]
The Ghoul (Miller): I recommend we call the new economic plan “Operation Golden Freedom.” Retroactively legalize all offshore accounts. Make tax fraud feel patriotic again.
Milk on Toast (Johnson): I still think we should help working families.
[Laughter erupts. 11 full seconds of continuous laughter.]
Spin Cycle Connie (Conway): Mikey, sweetie, that’s adorable. You still think this is a democracy.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Alright. I want a full rebrand. No more “recession.” We call it a selective growth retreat. And inflation? That's just a success surcharge.
[Sound of someone opening a Diet Coke can. Glass doll clinking against table.]
Powell makes a move, we leak his Peloton stats. Let the American people know what kind of coward rides on level 3 incline.
The Tall, Dumb One (Eric): Can my coin be holographic?
[AUDIBLE SIGHING.]
The Couch Monster (Vance): (looking like he just beat someone with a hardcover of “Hillbilly Elegy”) Boss, we’ve been slashing labor protections like deli meat, but these unions? They’re getting bold. The UPS guys are threatening to organize joyfully.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): And someone call Jared. I want Saudi money laundering rebranded as American Savings Bonds.
Spin Cycle Connie (Conway): Let’s float a rumor that unions cause inflation. Or communism. Or erectile dysfunction. Doesn’t matter. Something Fox can run a chyron for.
The Ghoul (Miller): We could redirect funding from the Department of Education to build a “National Prosperity Wall” around Dollar Tree. Symbolic. Also, racially ambiguous.
The Ugliest American (Lutnick): We’re pushing trickle-down harder than ever, Donny. The top 1% is wetter than a Wall Street yacht orgy. But middle America ain’t feeling the drizzle.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): (slamming the table with tiny little hands) Then we need to trickle louder. Get Elon to tweet it or something. Say it’s quantum economics. Nobody knows what that means but it sounds rich.
ICE Barbie (Noem): We could cut corporate taxes again. Maybe retroactively. Like give ‘em a rebate on ambition. Hell, let’s just pay Amazon not to unionize. They already do it for free.
The Tall, Dumb One (Eric): What if we mint a trillion-dollar coin with Dad’s face on it? But, like, buff Dad.
Everyone pauses. Even Miller looks nauseated.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): (ignoring it) Look. The Fed’s sniffing around interest rates again. That nerd Powell? I want him watched. If he raises anything but his hand to apologize, he’s getting cancelled. The old-fashioned way.
Spin Cycle Connie (Conway): The media’s asking questions, Sir. About the deficit. About you declaring Mar-a-Lago a sovereign tax haven.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): (sighing deeply) Tell ‘em I’ve never even heard of money. Then sue them for libel.
Milk on Toast (Johnson): What about actual economic planning?
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): (to Johnson, slowly) You’re cute when you talk like it’s still 2016. Okay people, it’s getting dicey out there. Grocery prices are up, rent is up, interest rates are up. But you know what’s not up? My approval rating in Rhode Island.
ICE Barbie (Noem): Sir, the Treasury has prepared a bold plan: we move the decimal point on all national debt metrics one place to the left. Instant solvency.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): That’s thinking like a winner. Just like when I sued wind for hurting golf.
Kashy Two Eyes (Patel): We’ve deployed our first wave of TikTok economic literacy influencers. One girl explained derivatives with a latte. Got 8 million views. No idea if it’s correct.
The Tall, Dumb One (Eric): I made a WordArt logo for our new economic doctrine: 'Don-o-nomics: Believe and Recede™'
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Good idea. Put that on a Bible and sell it at Hobby Lobby. [sotto voce: Who is this guy? Who let him in?]
The Ghoul (Miller): We also propose renaming the IRS to the 'Patriot Savings Encouragement Agency.' Their slogan: 'We’re Not Taking, We’re Teaching.'
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Perfect. Scare ‘em less. Make audits feel like hugs. Now. Next order of business: Tariffs. Pete?
Tariff Tony (Navarro): We’ve slapped fresh tariffs on Taiwanese memory chips, Mexican avocados, and Slovakian wind chimes. We're also targeting Canadian maple syrup: 5% punitive, 15% if it’s Grade A.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Good. That’ll teach Carney not to wink at Macron in front of me. Any retaliation?
Tariff Tony (Navarro): Yes. Canada is now selling oil to China for 15% off and replacing U.S. ketchup in grocery stores with French Dijon.
The Georgia Howler (MTG): Wait … so Carney is literally replacing AMERICAN ketchup with FOREIGN mustard? Fricking Commie!
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Disgusting. Write that down. “Condiment Treason.” That’s next week’s Truth Social theme. Let’s stay on Canada. I hear Carney’s banning gas-powered leaf blowers. This is what happens when you let French people run forests.
Tariff Tony (Navarro): We’ve added a 20% retaliatory tariff on Canadian rakes and anything labeled “artisanal.”
Super-Sized Marco (Rubio): I suggest we throw in Cuban coffee. Not because it matters, just to keep Miami agitated. And Carney isn’t French, Mr. President. I think he was born in a circus. You know, carnies.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Smart. Agitated Cubans vote twice. I heard it from a guy crying at Mar-a-Lago. Big, strong man. Tears in his eyes. Said, “Sir, I wept on my absentee ballot and it came back Republican.”
Rudy "The Leak" (Giuliani): Legally, that’s not fraud if the ballot is baptized.
The Couch Monster (Vance): I can confirm. Ecclesiastes 4:17, “Ballots cast with sincerity shall not be challenged, unless they favor Jezebel.”
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Beautiful scripture. Very beautiful.
Milk on Toast (Johnson): Sir, that’s not actually in the Bible.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Don’t interrupt your holiness. I’ll come back to that. Miller, Immigration. Where are we on the Utah-Mexico border?
The Ghoul (Miller): Sir, Utah doesn’t share a border with Mexico.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Then build one. Let them try to climb a mountain wall. Very natural. Very organic.
Milk on Toast (Johnson): The Pope called your border policy “un-Christian.” He used the word “unkind.”
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): You know what’s unkind? Denying me a condo in Vatican City. I offered golden baptismal fonts. The whole kaboodle. The kit, too.
Milk on Toast (Johnson): To be fair, sir, the Holy See doesn’t allow private real estate.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Then we take it. Manifest destiny, baby. Greenland-style. Before we move to the Greenland bid, hold up. I just saw something on Truth Social. Pete Hegseth. Big guy. Fox veteran. Beard like a war widow’s blanket. Accused of leaking cabinet messages through Signal.
The Georgia Howler (MTG): Was it … Signal as in the app, or a literal signal? Because I’ve had voters ask if 5G towers are involved again.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): No, no, the app. Supposedly “secure.” That’s what they say. But you know what I say? If it’s so secure, how come I’m reading Pete’s group chat on a golf cart tablet?
The Beige Tapeworm (Kushner): Sir, you mean you were in the chat?
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): No, but my caddy was. He’s got three burner phones and a data plan routed through Pyongyang.
Naughty Nauta (Nauta): Signal’s not encrypted if you screenshot it and email it to yourself, Jared. That's just basic patriotism.
Tariff Tony (Navarro): So what did Hegseth leak? Strategy? Intel? Rudy’s hair dye recipe?
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Worse. He said … and I quote … “The Tangerine Syndicate has no plan, just concepts of plans.”
(A cold silence falls across the room.)
The Georgia Howler (MTG): That’s disinformation. We have several vibes. Border vibe. Tariff vibe. Greenland annexation vibe.
Milk on Toast (Mike Johnson): I’d say even Moses didn’t have a plan until the Red Sea parted. That’s vibes-based leadership.
Pillow Mouth (Lindell): I warned Pete years ago. Texting is how the devil logs receipts. That’s why I use only faxes and yelling.
Rudy "The Leak" (Giuliani): I tried using Signal once. Accidentally created a group chat with a Chili’s in Des Moines.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): He’s being cut off. Hegseth. Out. Finished. Tell Hannity I want his old chair. Or at least his mug. Very strong mug. Holds exactly eleven ounces of Johnny Walker Red.
The Couch Monster (Vance): Should we replace Pete with a new Defence Secretary?
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Already did. Naughty, take a bow.
Naughty Nauta (Nauta): Thank you, sir. I already briefed the squirrels on hole six.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): See? That’s Defence. Efficient. Furry. Untraceable.
The Ghost Prince: Should we investigate Pete formally?
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): We’ll launch a probe. Call it “Operation Loose Beard.” Make it sound naval. People trust ships.
Super-Sized Mario (Rubio): That reminds me. Did you still want to revive the Greenland acquisition strategy?
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Yes. We offer Denmark half of Puerto Rico in exchange. Win-win.
The Georgia Howler (MTG): We just need to get Puerto Rico to agree.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): They still think they're a state. Confusion helps. Don’t fix it.
Tariff Tony (Navarro): Greenland also has strategic helium. We can corner the balloon market and stop China from floating more “weather devices” over Montana.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Exactly. We call it the “Big Air Doctrine.”
Pillow Mouth (Lindell): It sounds like a MyPillow promo, sir. I can work with that.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): You always do, Mike. You always do. Now, Greenland. We ready to reinitiate the offer?
The Ugliest American (Lutnick): I’ve crunched the numbers. If we sell the rights to New Hampshire as a luxury timeshare, we can finance a lease-to-own on Greenland’s southern fjords.
The Beige Tapeworm (Kushner): Denmark rejected it last time, remember?
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Because we offered them Kamala as part of the deal. Bad optics. This time, we sweeten it. Throw in a replica Ivanka doll and a signed Mike Lindell body pillow.
Pillow Mouth (Lindell): That’s a collector’s item, sir.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): So was Greenland until Biden ignored it.
The Georgia Howler (MTG): Sir, can I ask. What about the Pope? He called you “spiritually disruptive.”
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): That’s fine. So was Jesus. I’m the most disruptive figure since the loaves and fishes. I once made a fish sandwich so good Melania almost smiled.
The Couch Monster (Vance): Voters love that story. “Sir, you fed five thousand real Americans with one Filet-O-Fish.” Big strong men cry just thinking about it.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Exactly. I had one guy sob on my golf shoes. “Sir,” he said, “you’re the only man I trust to bring back borders, pressure washers, and hot water tanks.”
Naughty Nauta (Nauta): He’s the one who cleaned your cart with a MAGA flag, sir.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Patriot.
Rudy "The Leak" (Giuliani): I still have legal documents in my socks, by the way. From the 2020 recount. Mostly Arizona.
Tariff Tony (Navarro): That’s biohazard now, Rudy.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): (leans forward, steeples fingers. A hush falls over the table.)
Okay, final item. 2024 Election Narrative Reset. Connie?
Spin Cycle Connie (Conway): We roll out “Trump 2024: The Sequel That Was Supposed To Be The First One.” Heavy cinematic vibe. We position the past four years as an illegal prequel.
The Beige Tapeworm (Kushner): And if that fails?
Spin Cycle Connie (Conway): Then we pivot. “The Trumpinator: America’s Last Ex-President.” Like a superhero. But indicted.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Love it. That’s the kind of spiritual clarity I needed today. Mikey, write a prayer.
Milk on Toast (Johnson): In Latin or Truth Social language?
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Truth Latin. Start with “Covfefe Domine.”
The Ghoul (Miller): Should we address the Supreme Court leak?
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Only if they leak something useful. Like what’s under Roberts’ robe.
The Georgia Howler (MTG): He’s probably a socialist.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Aren’t they all. Marco?
Super-Sized Marco (Rubio): We say Trump was never out of office. We refer to Biden as “the guest occupant.”
Milk on Toast (Johnson): We frame it biblically: 2021–2024 as Trump’s time in the political wilderness. He emerges reborn, with better polling and whiter teeth.
The Georgia Howler (MTG): Like a golden Moses.
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): That’s what I want. Me, walking out of the Mar-a-Lago sea mist, holding a golf club and a flaming executive order. And maybe a bald eagle lands on me. Just natural. Put it on a meme coin.
Pillow Mouth (Lindell): We’ll call it “The Second First Term.”
Donnie Two Dolls (DJT): Love it. Write it up. Someone fetch the Pope. And a pressure washer. I want this bunker clean before my next indictment hits.
CUT TO BLACK. Soundtrack: “My Way” plays, but just the lines about regrets. Loudly. On loop.
(Meeting adjourns. Three attendees immediately begin sharing the details with their dermatologists on Signal. Giuliani tries to fist-bump Jared; accidentally spills two sealed affidavits and a box of Chick-fil-A.)
[END TRANSCRIPT: 10:13 EST]
CLASSIFICATION LEVEL: FULL SPRAY FAUCET PRESSURE
ADDITIONAL NOTES:
DJT reportedly consumed 3 Diet Cokes, 2 Filet-o-Fish, and a gold-wrapped bucket of fried chicken during the session.
At one point, the meeting paused while everyone received a SIGNAL chat from Pete Hegseth where he attempted to contact Elon Musk (clumsily attempting to avoid detection by using the alias “KETA KING.”)
REDACTED POLICY INITIATIVES DISCUSSED BUT NOT INCLUDED IN THIS TRANSCRIPT:
“MAGA 401(k)-Flips” – proposed system where retirement accounts are invested directly in Trump-brand NFTs.
“Operation: Food Stamp IPO” – an initiative to take SNAP benefits public on the NASDAQ.
“Quantitative Appeasing” – new term for flooding markets with untraceable loans while complimenting billionaires on Instagram.